It is my privilege to reveal to you this highly classified National Security Agency intercept which reveals just what Russian intelligence knew about Hillary Clinton and her email security problems. While I believe that classified information should remain classified, this is a matter of such national importance, since Hillary could be our next Commander-in-Chief, that I am going whistleblower here and leaking this historic document.
DOI: 23052009 1045Z
This intercept was received by an NSA covert SIGINT site. It is a conversation between two (2) senior officials of the Russian General Staff Main Intelligence Directorate (GRU). It discusses GRU SIGINT intercepts of conversations between high-ranking US Persons (USPs) in their official USG capacity and is to be handled on an EYES ONLY basis. FBI/NSD has been informed. White House/NSC and STATE are not – repeat NOT – authorized to receive this information due to counterintelligence concerns that have been verified by FBI/NSD and CIA/CIC.
This document is classified TOPSECRET//SI//NOFORN//NODISSEM in its entirety and is to be maintained as hard-copy only per the regulations of ECI SHOCKWAVE.
A: Sasha, what the [expletive deleted] are your guys over at BIGBEAR  doing?
B: What, Tolya? Have you been drinking again? [Laughs]
A: Just two, it’s early.
B: Two is good, it stimulates the brain.
A: [Expletive deleted] it sure does! But look, I need some answers. The whole AQUARIUM  is up in arms over this.
B: Why? It’s all great [expletive deleted]. If the BIGBEAR guys don’t get us all promoted, what the [expletive deleted] ever will?
A: I know….but the big guys here think it’s, you know, too good.
B: The magic [expletive deleted/USP 1] in the White House is running strategic deception on us? [Laughs] They can’t find their Ivy League [expletive deleted] with both hands!
A: Sure, but [USP 2]? They are cunning, [USP 3] knew we listened in on him when he was in the White House, surely.
B: You think he told his wife about that?
A: Well, it was funny, wasn’t it? I loved the chat we intercepted when [USP 3] was getting [expletive deleted] from [USP 4] and then – oh [expletive deleted] – [USP 5] walked in on them and threw a potted plant at them both!
B: [Laughs] Operation INTERN SURPRISE! Slurp-slurp, then scream-scream! God, those were good times.
A: You know it’s really too bad Beijing got to [USP 3] first with their cash, he seems like a fun guy.
B: His wife, not so much. [Laughs]
A: Yes, never enough vodka for that! [Laughs] And [USP 6] – what the [expletive deleted] is the deal with her?
B: The Brotherhood  mole?
B: Yeah, we have that too. Cairo confirmed it last month.
A: Wow, the Americans are really [expletive deleted].
B: The emails we are getting from [USP 2]’s office tell it all.
A, Can this actually be real? Who is this stupid? Is [USP 2] trying to have completely open diplomacy?
B: It has to be real. They have absolutely no communications discipline, even for Americans. [Laughs] They are putting EVERYTHING [almost shouted] in these emails.
A: I saw that. It’s unbelievable. How did we crack into this?
B: We didn’t have to “crack” anything! [USP 2] uses her own email on her own server, and it’s totally unencrypted!
A: [Expletive deleted] me, what?
B: I know, it’s insane. They recently put some light encryption on “her” server, after months of no security at all, but we’re deep inside now. We worked around it in 20 minutes. And [USP 2] does all her diplomacy on this line, unreal!
A: Who is this [USP 7] guy who’s in every other email?
B: Oh, him. The one with the self-hating Jewish Nazi son? It’s all too strange. He’s [USP 2]’s close adviser, but boring and confused. Very self-important. I liked [USP 3]’s presidency better, more sex and drugs. [Laughs]
A: Are we absolutely certain Operation PANTSUIT  is legit? I need a firm answer for the bosses.
B: We are 100 percent sure. We’ve cross-referenced diplomatic information that [USPs 2 and 6] are putting in their open emails with other intercepts we’re getting.
B: Just the other day [USP 2] emailed [USP 7] the readout of her meeting with the German ambassador and we intercepted the German account of it too – they’re not idiots like the Americans, it was in their encrypted communications, but we’ve been reading German diplomatic ciphers for years – and they matched exactly.
A: Good, I’ll tell the bosses that. Get the transcripts to me soon.
B: Will do, it all checks out.
A: The bosses still have some questions.
A: You know how it is. The NEIGHBORS  get them spun up with their stupid [expletive deleted] “theories”.
B: What now?
A: They think “Parks and Recreation” is a secret American program to destabilize our economy. Something run by CIA using Facebook as their cut-out.
B: [Laughs] Those [expletive deleted] morons. The original BIGBEAR intercept said it’s a [expletive deleted] television show!
A: I know, I know. But put that in the follow-up memo too, I need to cover my [expletive deleted] here.
B: Will do, not a problem, you’ll have it by the end of the day.
A: Thanks, Sasha: I owe you one. But what about “gefilte fish”? This seems to be an Israeli operation, something to do with Mossad.
B: Yes, BIGBEAR came to that conclusion as well. We’re looking for more information. Given how deeply Mossad had [USP 3]’s White House penetrated, there is reason for concern.
A: Good, good…put that in the memo too, that should get the attention of the bosses.
B: Just not The Boss, please! 
A: Oh [expletive deleted] no! The last thing we need is that Leningrad Chekist on us. No details outside of our channels, you know how he and his guys love to play counterspy over at the Kremlin. We have no time for that [expletive deleted].
B: Right, definitely. Bottom line is we’re sure PANTSUIT checks out, it will all be in the memo.
A: Excellent, excellent. I still can’t believe they’re this stupid, but I like it! You’ll get your star for this one, Sasha!
B: I’ll believe that when I see it, but I will take your vodka until then, Tolya! [Laughs]
A: If [USP 2] ever manages to become President, we’ll have it made. Keep up the great work and make sure I get every email these idiots send.
B: Will do, boss! We’re getting every last one. These clowns will only stop emailing when they’re dead! [Laughs]
A = GenMaj (one-star) Anatoliy V. POTAPOV, Chief of GRU Covert SIGINT Operations
B = Col Aleksandr N. SHAPOSHNIKOV, Senior GRU Staff Officer (NFI)
USP 1 = POTUS
USP 2 = SECSTATE
USP 3 = Former POTUS
USP 4 = Prominent Hollywood actress
USP 5 = Former White House employee
USP 6 = Senior STATE Staffer
USP 7 = Close friend of USPs 2 and 3, operating as an unofficial adviser to STATE
1. BIGBEAR is the GRU coverterm for their covert SIGINT site located inside the Russian Embassy in Washington, DC.
2. AQUARIUM (AKVARIUM) is the colloquial term for GRU Headquarters located at Khodynka Airfield near Moscow
3. “Brotherhood” is believed to refer to the Muslim Brotherhood.
4. Operation PANTSUIT is the GRU coverterm for their interception of USP 2’s personal and STATE emails (which use the same address and reside on the same, non-USG server, according to GRU information; this violation of policy has been referred to FBI/NSD).
5. NEIGHBORS is a reference to the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service (SVR).
6. “The Boss” in this context is an apparent reference to Vladimir Putin.
[This document is, of course, a fake. I’ve used fake-but-accurately rendered “classified” information before to explain Hillary’s EmailGate mess, and I am pretty sure this is a cosmically accurate, if fictional, rendering of events, based on my long dealings with Russian intelligence. GRU hasn’t opened its archives to anybody, ever, so perhaps our descendants will find out in the 23rd century.]